How To Not Get Tasered By UCLA Campus Police

Apparently there has been some confusion about what will and will not get you tasered at UCLA.  Here's a very popular video of a student activist getting tasered a whole bunch of times at the library.  Let's watch:

So, as you can see, the UCLA Campus Police have no qualms about tasering students.  If you're a UCLA undergrad, and you're worried you might be next, here are some important safety tips on how to avoid getting tasered:

1.  Show them your f***ing student ID card.  Since their policy is that after 11 pm, you need to show ID, then you should show them your ID, or as some like to call it, your "Get Out Of Tasering Free Card."  Even if you don't have your student ID on you, I strongly encourage you to continue standing up.  Standing is great.

2.  Don't act like a douchebag.  If you scream, "SEE, AMERICA?  HERE'S YOUR PATRIOT ACT, WHICH YOU LOVE SO MUCH," not only are campus policemen going to taser you, but I'm going to taser you.  Me.  And I'm not involved in any way.  I don't care -- I'll do it.  How do I buy a taser?

3.  Don't underestimate a cop's love of tasering.  These guys get off on tasering.  One of those cops actually had an orgasm while tasering this guy.  They often incorporate tasing into their day-to-day lives, tasering waitresses, bus drivers, and movie theater ushers.  But a cop can actually achieve multiple orgasms tasering a student activist.

I hope those three simple rules help you to not get tasered.  Because no one wants to get tasered, unless you're goading the campus police to make a political statement on YouTube.  If that's the case, feel free to ignore these rules.  And try spitting on the cops, too.  A few hocked loogies could lead to a night's worth of tasering excitement.