You see them following celebrities everywhere they go. Their job is
to protect, serve, and all that other crap that only real police are
supposed to do. These people are bodyguards, and they've become almost
as identifiable as the celebrities they're protecting. While we don't
know their real names, their pictures pop-up everywhere on Perez, X17,
and all the other celeb sites. So, being bored, we decided to find the
toughest bodyguard out there. Based solely on their pictures. Unfair,
yes. Judgmental, of course. Fun? You bet!
So here we go, the top 13 celebrity bodyguards. 13 being the worst bodyguard in the HIstory of Hollywood.
13. The Manny - Bodyguard to Britney Spears
Wow,
when it comes to bodyguards The Manny is the lamest. What kind of tough
guy pushes around a baby? Does he also knit while waiting for Britney
at Mr. Chow? His lack of balls puts him last on our list.
12. Tubs McGee - Bodyguard to Paris Hilton
If
Paris Hilton were to somehow find herself confronted by a lunatic fan,
or say, Nicole Richie, her bodyguard would either do two things: eat
the perpetrator or just continue eating whatever cake he was eating at
the moment. No celebrity should have to wonder, tho. Bodyguards should
not be lardasses.
11. The Suit - Bodyguard to Cameron Diaz
Your
agent shouldn't look like your bodyguard and your bodyguard shouldn't
look like your agent. While both are vicious and inherently evil, only
one will punch somebody's brains in. Literally.
10. Pervy Daniels - Bodyguard to The Hilton Sisters
You
need a bodyguard that you can trust, not a bodyguard that will molest
you when you get drunk. However, we do give points to Pervy Daniels for
making sure Paris doesn't crack her neck. And a point for feeling her
up. I want to do that, too.
9. Mr. Christmas - Bodyguard to Lindsay Lohan
We
like Mr. Christmas because he reminds us of Christmas. Those colors
just scream "bodyguard that respects religions and sh*t." And he might
give presents on the holidays! Bodyguards aren't that rich, so we like
the ones that look like they'll give us something besides protecting us
from crazies.
8. Jack Funny Cap - Bodyguard to Beyonce (or that Latina chick from Hitch. What's her name?)
A
bodyguard is more than just a person who punch another guy's face in.
He should also carry your bags and wear a nice hat. He could even look
like a train conductor. We don't care. Sure her might look nice, but
are those machetes in his bags?
7. The Ex-Porn Star - Bodyguard to Britney Spears
This
guy looks like he worked in porn before, those ones in the 1970s that
are, like, super awesome. I can't help but think this guy wants to be
in the Secret Service or something, with his serious look. But the
Secret Service doesn't hire cheeseballs. I do give him props for saving
Brit's baby, tho. That was a class act!
6. The Irish McBig Mac - Bodyguard to Ashley Olsen
Sure
this guy looks like a lardass. But he's Irish. You know what Irish
people do besides drink, right? They puke. When they're not puking
they're listening to U2. When they're not listening to U2 they get
angry. When they get angry they eat leprechauns, and people who bother
celebrities.
5. The Protector - Bodyguard to Leonardo Di Caprio
Not
too many bodyguards have that much experience in kicking ass. Those
that do have the advantage against lunatics and the paparazzi. Look at
this man as he protects Leo. You can see the seriousness in his face.
Like if Leo doesn't get back to his model-banging soon, the world will
stop turning.
4. The Sandwich - Bodyguard to Britney Spears
Britney
sure has lots of bodyguard, but The Sandwich is the toughest of them
all. Look at his head, behold his iron stomach. That's not all fat
there, I assure you. Some dudes are just flabby fat. Other fat dudes
have another kind of fat that is so special and iron-strong that it can
kill people with one ripple of a fatroll. The Sandwich is one of those
blessed bodyguards.
3. The Trench - Bodyguard to Madonna
The
trench is the type of dude that you avoid at all costs. He's ginormous.
His hair and beard are the kind that can only be pulled off by rappers
or murders. I don't know if he's any of those. I don't want to think
about it because thinking of The Trench scares me. One may think that
he looks like he's from The Matrix, but those in The Matrix we're
black. Still, The Trench can kick Neo's ass.
2. El Dictator - Bodyguard to Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt
El
Dictator is badass. He protected Angelina & Brad when they were
overseas. Simply put: you do not mess with a man that looks like he's a
Columbian Druglord. You just don't. This man is probably a communist
for crying out loud -- you do not mess with Commies! They are bad, bad,
bad. But they do make some of the best bodyguards.
1. The Enforcer - Bodyguard to Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt
Not
much is known about The Enforcer, except that he's the best in the lot.
By the looks of his stone and pale face, he could be ex-KGB. Those guys
were hardcore. Look at The Enforcer put the choke hold on this
photographer. Normal bodyguards don't usually touch the paps for fear
of being sued. This guy just doesn't care because 1) he knows he can
kick anybody's ass and 2) he knows he can kick anybody's ass. It's
interesting that Jolie & Pitt have the top two bodyguards on the
list...but they are the most attractive celebrities in the world, so
they have the most to lose if somebody should put them in harm's way.
Those were Hollywood's Most Kickass, Fatass & Badass Bodyguards.