5 of Whoopi Goldberg's Biggest Failures

I hate Whoopi Goldberg.  Whoopi is the female Jay Leno -- she seems nice and all, but is only marginally talented as a comedian, and yet continues to work as one.  For example, her newest gig is a high-profile spot co-hosting The View (gag) replacing Rosie O'Donnell (double gag) (no, infinity gag -- I'll won't stop gagging until the end of time). 

Whoopi has had many huge, high-profile bombs in film and TV throughout her career, so let's look at a few of the most memorable ones now, and hope that some day she'll decide to stick to dramas with "Ghost" in the title. 

Eddie

You know your movie's in trouble when professional basketball players, who can barely act their way out of a Nike shoe box, are funnier than your leading lady.  How appropriate that the players define the term black hole, because that's what Whoopi Goldberg is to a film -- she sucks in all the energy and destroys it.  Somehow her delivery completely screws up what should be easy laugh lines, like heckling a player by calling him "Helen Keller."

Jumpin' Jack Flash

To compensate for her boring comic persona, Whoopi often screams in movies.  You know how when Chris Farley yells, his face turns red and he's clearly giving it 200% (he's so funny, Chris broke the laws of physics) -- Whoopi gives it about 40%.  The volume of her voice goes up, probably courtesy of the sound engineers, but she moves her face about as much as someone given too many Botox injections.

Whoopi + One

Her talk show was a big failure because they got their math wrong.  It's not 1 + 1, it's 1 x 0, because as we learned in elementary school, anything (a special guest) times zero energy (Whoopi) equals zero fun on screen.  That's some Square One s*** right there. 

The Associate

All I can tell you is that if the graph behind her is completely accurate, if it's visually demonstrating my rising frustration with Whoopi Goldberg as I write this blog.

Theodore Rex

Well, here we are.  Not only did she make this piece of garbage, but she managed to help ruin a movie that was doomed at its very inception.  The truly amazing this is that somehow even a dinosaur cop seems less interesting if Whoopi is his partner.  Actually, that's not just amazing.  It's mind-blowing.

Theodore Rex.  I think I've made my point.