10 Reasons Indiana Jones IV Will Suck. 5 Reasons It Might Be Great.

Cameras will roll on Indian a Jones IV in a little under two weeks.  Pretty soon we’ll start seeing production shots and hearing on-set reports and we’ll lose sight of what we all know is true.  It’s going to suck.  There’s no way it won’t.  So before our geeked-out, fan-boy devotion to the fedora-ed one takes over let’s take a deep breath and remind ourselves why this movie is going to be such a disaster. 

 10. The Star Trek Ratio – The Star Trek ratio states that only every other film in a series will be good.  Obviously derived from the Star Trek films (the first one is okay, Wrath of Khan is the best, Search For Spock sucks etc.) the ratio holds up to most modern day geek franchises.  Back to the Future One and Three are great but Back to the Future Two is a joke.  Spider Man One and Three are mediocre but the second one is mind blowing.  If the ratio holds true then Indy 4 has to be a disappointment coming directly after the amazing Last Crusade which followed the lame-ass Temple of Doom.

9.  CGI - The original Jones trilogy staid true to the spirit of the films they were paying homage to right down to the special effects.  Miniatures, matte paintings, reverse projections – all techniques employed by the serials of the 1930’s - Spielberg and crew just gave them a spit shine and used them to their full potential.  Now, 25 years down the line, will he have the good sense to go back to the basics?  Or will we have to watch Harrison Ford run away from a boulder made of ones and zeros?  Given what Papa Lucas did to his Star Wars films I’d say the answer is pretty clear.

8.  The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles – Remember that?  The last time they tried to revive the Jones franchise.  Well, nobody else does either.

7.  No Guns – You’ve got to love a guy who ends a sword fight with a bullet.  The question is; does Spielberg still love him?  Indiana’s light hearted gun play provided the trilogy with some of its most memorable moments.  But guns don’t seem to be big with Spielberg at the moment; painting them in grim terms in his recent films (Minority Report, War of the Worlds) and editing them straight out of his classics (E.T.).  After watching him causally mow down bad guys in the three previous films isn’t an Indy who’s morally opposed to guns gonna seem like a pussy?

6.  They’re Rushing It – I know.  The movie has been in the works for close to a decade, how can that be considered rushing it?  Well the little we do know of the approved script is that Henry Jones Sr. does appear.  But Sean Connery has yet to sign on.  You’d figure that the inclusion of Indy’s dad would be a pretty major part of the story.  Barreling into production before knowing if they need to write him out seems pretty dumb.

5.  No Nazi’s in the 1950s – Who's he gonna punch?  Communists?

4.  Harrison Ford – I have no objection to action heroes with AARP cards.  Old folks from Connery to Eastwood have provided us with plenty of bad ass action well into their golden years.  But Harrison Ford threw out his back on the set of Temple of Doom, and it doesn’t look like the ravages of old age have let up since.  Take a look at recent interviews; he rambles, he stutters, he shivers.  The guy looks like he can barely make it down the street with a walker.  How’s he supposed to maintain balance on a Nazi super tank?

3.  He’s Gonna Have a Kid – All I could think of at the end of Superman Returns was “Wow!  Superman makes a pretty sh**ty dad”.  One of the allures of guys like Indiana Jones and Superman is their freedom to go anywhere and do anything. Their adventures take them to place we’ll only ever dream of seeing.  But that free wheeling life style suddenly becomes a reason to alert Child Welfare when there’s a kid at home being ignored.  A kid is a responsibility.  The kind of responsibility we don’t want our heroes to have.  The kind that tethers him to a life, a home and a mundane routine.  Just ask Mr. Incredible.

 
 
2.  George Lucas Has Final Script Approval – So look forward to Indiana Jones going on thrilling tours of cloning facilities and amazing adventures in long drawn our senate hearings.

1.  Spielberg’s Conscience – There was never much difficulty picking out the good guys from the bad guys in the original Jones films.  Anyone with a whip and a leather fedora was good.  Anyone sporting a Swastika was bad.  But in the two decades since Last Crusade Spielberg has grown less and less comfortable with making those kinds of morale distinctions.   Even his more escapist fare of late, like A.I. and Minority Report, wade through some pretty murky philosophical waters.  His maturing as a director has made for some truly fascinating films, but is it really right for Indiana Jones?  The serials of the 1930s painted the line between good and evil in big wide strokes.  Scrubbing that line away would be betraying the very thing that inspired Indiana Jones in the first place.

And now let's get a little excited and remind ourselves why it could be amazing. 

 
5.  Heroes Aging Isn’t Always A Bad Thing – Seeing how an iconic hero deals with the onset of old age can actually make for some pretty interesting story telling.  Dark Night Returns is the classic example.

 4.  The Raiders March - Still probably the best movie theme ever written.  It doesn't matter how bad the rest of the film is, every time you hear it you'll be smiling.

 
3.  Cate Blanchett – Indy’s always at his best when he has a gutsy gal to play off of.  Someone who can dish out just as much guff and bravado as he can.  Blanchett personified a tough as nails screen siren in The Aviator. She seems like the right dame to whip Indy’s old ass into shape. 

 
2.  Spielberg is Directing It – Say what you will about Spielberg, the guy still knows how to turn out an amazing set piece.  Even his heavier pieces like Munich have scenes so exciting they feel like they belong in a James Bond film.

1.  It's A New Indiana Jones Film – I've been waiting for this since I was eight.