John Mayer Hates Australia

[To read more from John Mayer, check out his own blog.  He's also happy to answer any questions you might have for him.] 

Why do Australians like Jessica better than me? I've watched their Crocodile Dundee. I've enjoyed their koalas. I've even eaten their bloomin' onion (at Chili's, not at Outback Steakhouse, but it's exactly the same at both restaurants). What more do I have to do?

I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not a competition, but I feel like I need to win over this entire country to my side. Yes, I don't have big breasts, but my music contains big truths, which bounce proudly in the face of political lies and corporations. Surely the substance of my music should help me eclipse Jessica's well-admired mounds on my own tour. I'm supposed to be spreading the power of the blues, and instead I'm a tag-along to my well-endowed girlfriend.

"The greatest humiliation in life is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it." - Edgar Watson Howe

I love Jess. When we kiss on Australia's many beaches, it's like fireworks. When we stop kissing, it's like the fireworks are blasting straight into my eyes, blinding me, because these muscular surfers push me out of the way to get her autograph. It's embarrassing. Australia, you're embarrassing yourself!

*Sigh*