Okay, I'm not going to lie. I half-slept through last night's episode of American Idol. Was it boring or was I just a little too tired from the lack of sleep due to hearing my neighbors have sex the night before (a sexy story for another sexy time)? It doesn't matter either way because I'm going to tell you about who I think is going to win the competition and who's going to be Justin Guarini.
But first of all, why should you trust my opinion on American Idol this season?
1) Because I'm not your mom. Every mom wanted Clay Aiken to win during Season 2. Guess what? He didn't. Ruben did. Don't trust your mom. Trust Slippy Jenkins.
2) I hate the music this show produces. It's horrible, Grammy's or not. No human should have to endure "Jesus Take the Wheel" or whatever crap Fantasia is sweating our of her crotch these days. It's because of my hate for the music that I'm able to be so objective.
3) I make snap decisions without thought or consequence. Some call this laziness, others ego. I just happen to think it makes things more fun. Flip a coin, shake an 8-ball. Totally more awesome than judging people based on pure talent.
Now let's talk about who I think is going to totally lose this season.
Blake Lewis is totally going to go down early. His hair is annoying. His smile is annoying. Can he sing? It doesn't matter. His smile and hairdo makes you want to smack him.
In his profile, Paul Kim admits to owning a Kenny G album. America should vote him off based on that alone. Also, he says his most embarrassing moment was "When Paula Abdul made a grown man like me cry." Paul, go to Home Depot and pick buy yourself a pair of steel balls.
Sanjaya is just as creepy as Michael Jackson. Does America really need another Michael Jackson?
Melinda Doolittle was a Music major in college. People who major in Music are automatically put into the "SUCK" category. We all knew those people in college, and we never wanted to be friends with them. Let's make the same decision here.
This guy's name is Sundance Head. Seriously, dude? Sundance Head? Gone. And be sure to kick your parents in the throat hole for me.
When asked whether she has any rituals before she goes on stage, Gina Glocksen says she flosses her teeth. What she didn't tell you is that she eats a lot of Big Macs!
Now here are my picks to become the next American Idol, or at least make it to the final 6.
Here's Chris Richardson. America totally just wants make a Kevin Federline look-a-like win American Idol just to say F-You to the rest of the world.
Again, America will vote for this Fraggle Puppet because we enjoy pissing people off by voting for people who look funny. Hence Taylor Hicks and Fantasia.
Alaina is the only one I think is really attractive this season. Leslie Hunt is pretty cute to. Who would I rather go on a date with? Since I usually take my dates to Pizza Hut, why not both!?!
[Cut to 20 minutes later]
So after looking at the rest of the 24 I can't choose anybody. They all look equally unspectacular. So I'm gonna go with the above three. One of those three contestants will be the next American Idol. You heard it hear first. My gut is psychic (and rather chubby). I just know I know.
[Update: Okay, Nixon just accused me of being lazy and rapping up this post quicky, instead of picking 6 winners. I kid you not. Go to the Idol page and look at the finalists. Can you picture any of them on the cover a CD? No, you can't. Sure, one of them can go through a Clay Aiken-esque transformation, but remember, he didn't win American Idol. So shut up, Nixon. I hate you.]
Who do you think is going to win it? And don't be such a pussy and wait till Week 10 to pick your winner. What's so fun about that?
Tune in next week for more American Idol coverage...