Christmas. Yeah, we're going there. I never said this would be a smooth ride. Christmas is of course the celebration of the day Jesus was born and placed in a manger because there was "no room at the inn". Seriously?  Who was running this inn? Messianic prophecy or not, it's a couple who had a baby 5 minutes ago, you can't make some space? Hell wouldn't even pull that shit, and we're talking about a place that dedicates an entire high-rise to gleefully forcing glass shards under the eyelids of false witnesses.

Christmas is also the beginning of Christmastide, the so-called 12 days of Christmas, made famous in the song of the same name. Allow me to take a breath before going into this one. Let's think about this. The first 4 days, the singer's "true love" - and I put that in quotations because I'm not sure I buy that designation for reasons I'll explain - gives her (Yeah, her. I've lived so long I stopped counting my age when we went from Roman to Arabic numerals, and I can tell you this: chicks don't buy guys multiple swans. Sorry boys, ain't gonna happen.) a partridge (with tree), 2 turtle doves, 3 french hens, and 4 colly birds. The song seems to suggest that these things are stacked every day, so on the first day it's a partridge in a pear tree, and on the second day it's 2 turtle doves and a second partridge in a pear tree, and so on. I'm going to assume that's not the case, and that each subsequent mentioning of a gift is a reference to the original, and not a duplicate gift. If I'm wrong, then what I took to be merely absurd is actually whatever is above absurd. Preposterous?

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Anyway, first 4 days, a lot of fucking birds. Then, on the fifth day: 5 golden rings? So for 4 days, you've got these over-the-top gifts. The birds are singing, squawking, flying around the house. There's a fruit tree involved. Then, after you've built it up, and she's wondering what you'll think of next, you whip out a handful of rings? Rings are nice, but they just don't play in this scenario.

This is why I'm suspect of the "true love" part. If you were doing this my way, and you should, since I've been the greatest schemer known to man for several thousand years running, you would give the ring gift on the first day. That way you'd start small, then get bigger. So why not do that? Well, on the first day, you give a single gift, and what does a single ring suggest? Marriage. He's envisioning her texting her friends that she's engaged while squealing "OH MY GOD!!!!!" before he can sputter out something about how this is just the "ring before the ring" or some bullshit. So she thinks he's her "true love" while he calculates ways to keep the word "wedding" out of the conversation. Let me guess, he doesn't want to discuss marriage because he's been really stressed out at work, right? Sad.

On the other side of the coin, this could also be a dude who's trying way too hard for a girl he's never going to see naked. You know that friend who has known some hot chick since college and he's always doing shit like helping her move or feeding her cat while she's away? And everyone knows he's never getting in her pants? This reminds me of that. And even if he has a chance, this is not the way to go about it. I blame his friends. Here's how the conversation should go: 

Him: "I was thinking about some lords-a-leaping. How many do you think would be appropriate? 10?" Friend: "Yeah, probably 10. Or here's an idea. You could buy her some slipper socks and a diamond tennis bracelet and get laid. Not to mention you can avoid the inevitable phone call in which 11 pipers piping tell you that their van broke down."

So this song sucks. I suppose that's not news. Christmas carols are notoriously hit-and-miss. On Christmas, I suggest you do what I do and just put on a Nat King Cole album.